...probably more than you want to know...

When I first began sculpting, I did so completely for my own happiness and creativity.

I enjoyed myself, and delighted in the ability to express my imagination through a 3d medium. It wasn't until the year 2002 that I realized that I could sell my work on Ebay. What a happy suprise that was, because my shelves were getting full. When I first began selling on Ebay, my items were very whimsical and completely unique. After a few sucessful auctions, I was invited to join a sculpting group.

I was so excited that there were others out there who shared my same passion, so I immediately joined with great excitement. I spent a couple of years being members of various doll and sculpting groups and met some very wonderful people who were very helpful and encouraging. During this time, is also when I began to create my espirit' glen tutorial site, for new dollmakers who needed some information to get started, and to allow them to have enough success to sustain their willpower to continue.

It was at the beginning of the year 2003 when I began having panic attacks. I'd had them in the past, but had them under control. This time, I could not control them. I would get numb hands and lips, heart palpitations, weakness and generally feel ill and incredibly scared. As this continued to happen I found myself less and less able to leave my house. I would wake up each day wondering how terrible I would feel before I could go back to bed again.

I also found that the joy of sculpting was diminished as well. Some time in 2004 I began to back away from my sculpting/dollmaking groups. I knew I didn't have the spirit to continue to be a member who contributed. I realized that in being a participating (very active) member in these forums, I had inadvertently changed my style to "fit" more within the norm of what everyone thought was beautiful. I spent countless hours practicing to make the perfect hand, the perfect nose, the perfect slope of the body and bone structure. And the more I strived for perfection the more of my creative spirit was waning, as well as the deeper my depression was becoming.

In May of 2005 I gave myself a great birthday gift. I gave myself the freedom to express my creativity once again, and kicked the conforming spirit out the door.

This is when the Chibis were born. No more pretty little fairies for me (as pretty as I could achieve that is). When I tried for beauty, I couldn't find personality. I think that is because I myself am NOT a beautiful woman, but have more of a character type face. All my little creatures were going to have personality, MY personality. Fun loving, mischevious, goofy, ornery, and sometimes feeling sad, lonely, and hoping to be loved. If I made a fairy, she was going to be up to something inside her little head, and she was going to have BIG eyes, chubby, with a wide mouthed grin.....like me.

And to my happy suprise, my Chibis seemed to be liked. They did not pull in the BIG money like I did when I made the beautiful fairies (I use the term beautiful very lightly, as I never did quite reach it), but the rewards I received in my heart were worth much more than the money. They did not bring in prestige or admiration, or awe like the high end sculptures, but those who did purchase from me said they fealt happiness, and sweetness, and that was wonderful!

Making my Chibis made me feel like I was giving as much as I was receiving. I really do love people, and love the feelings of childhood, and share in that innocent open hearted faith in the goodness of the heart. And my Chibis express this trust.

But this didn't cure the panic attacks. They began to ease quite a bit, but I still felt an underlying sorrow that I couldn't get a handle on. So at the end of 2005 I closed my ebay sales, and spent the past year working on myself.

It has been one year since I closed my ebay sales, and I'm on the verge of coming back to the fold. In the past year, I've been diagnosed with depression, and of course panic attacks. With the help of an understanding doctor and my wonderful husband, and close faithful friends, I'm finally starting to feel really good again. I've become active, lost weight, began eating healthy, and participating in life.

And I've recognised what my triggers are, which is important. The biggest mistake that I made, that started sending me down this spiral, was be becoming too involved and concerned in what other people were doing, wanting, thought was lovely etc. So I realize that even though I'm feeling really super, I must avoid those situations if I wish to remain healthy in my own heart and mind. It's too easy to lose yourself, and to me that was a huge loss.

If you've read this all the way to here, thank you so much. And if you're wondering why I've bothered to lay all this out for the world to read, it's because I feel that I'm probably not the only one who's been affected this way. I have seen some really wonderful creatures and creative works of art on ebay, and I giggle and laugh outloud when I do. (If you knew my friends, they could vouch for my outbursts). But then sadly, I see these same artists abandoning their original spirit, and starting to flux towards the norm. It hurts me, to see a spirit unappreciated.

So to all of you who are sculpting beautiful wonderful art dolls because your heart calls you too, I'm so so happy and impressed by your work. And I can feel your love of doing so in each of your dolls. And those of you who are sculpting your cute little critters, or goofy fun creatures I say Bravo to you too for having the courage to put yourself on the line.

As Carol Mosely-Braun said, "Defining myself, as opposed to being defined by others, is one of the most difficult challenges I face."

Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something. It's our goal in life to find it and keep it lit.